Honey-Roasted Turkey Breast

Dear readers, most of you know that I really do not like turkey. They usually come out dryer than a camel carcass in the Sahara Desert. But I stumbled upon this recipe because my spouse wanted me to make a turkey for Thanksgiving last year but I waited too late to cook a big bird. So I got a bone-in turkey breast, started looking at some old cookbooks, and found this recipe (of which I added some things to it to make it my own). This dish is so moist, it would bring life to the camel carcass in the Sahara Desert. I don't know if the Sahara Desert has camels, but I digress.

Ingredients:

One bone-in turkey breast (not one of those boneless breasts that is already seasoned...give those to the buzzards);

2 tablespoons black pepper;
1/2 cup Kosher salt;
1/2 cup Clover honey;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
Thyme leaves;
One regular-sized sauce pan;
One decent-sized pot;
One 2.5-gallon plastic zippy bag.

In a saucepan, bring to boil one cup of water with the black pepper added and about two teaspoons of thyme. Watch out! The smell coming from boiling pepper water is equal to mace being shot in your face.

Take the pan off the heat and let it cool. Go outside and have your significant other get a garden hose and spray your eyes out. Come back in the kitchen, get a pretty good sized pot and pour six cups of water into it. Add the kosher salt to this water and stir it up until mostly dissolved. Pour in the brown sugar and honey and stir again until that is absorbed as best as possible. Add the dreaded black pepper water.

No, we haven't forgotten the poor turkey, anxious reader. Wash the turkey inside and out under the faucet. Place the turkey into the zippy bag. WASH YOUR HANDS WITH SOAP AND HOT WATER to kill any turkey juice that remains on your digitals. ALSO WASH AND SANITIZE THOSE AREAS WHERE THE TURKEY SAT AND WHERE IT DEPOSITED ITS JUICE!

Pour the pepper/honey/salt fluid mixture into the zippy bag with the turkey and zip the bag closed (I would recommend getting as much air out of the bag as possible prior to the final zip). Place this concoction on the lowest shelf of the Kelvinator (refrigerator for you youngsters) to prevent any accidental turkey juice drips on your other edibles, and leave it overnight. You want to turn the bag over a few times during the marination period to enable all meat parts to be equally marinated.

The next day, take the zippy bag out of the Kelvinator and pour the juices into the sink. Wash the turkey off and dry it as much as possible. Again, wash your hands and work area afterwards. Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees F. Place the turkey onto a roasting pan and put it in the oven for about 1 hour or until the internal turkey temperature is around 160 degrees F. I always throw some water into the bottom of the roasting pan during the cooking process to get some gravy out of the bird.
Once it is done, take it out and let it cool, thus allowing all the internal turkey juices to redistribute within the meat. Safely carve the turkey. Take a taste. You will first taste the salty crunch with a shot of peppery sweetness. The meat itself will be so juicy that your significant other may think you are foaming at the mouth.

If the turkey is not as good as I presented above, you are a lousy cook who needs to stick with washing your hands at a burger joint.